= ) Billy Connolly Quotes

Lately i been listening to Jokes and Music by Billy Connolly on some CD's i found in the library. They are "Awsome " for lack of a better word. So i thought i'd share some comic relief. =) enjoy

“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

"I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.”

“Roses are red,Violets are blue,I'm a schizophrenic,and so am I.”

"Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?" The other one says, "I'd sh*g everything that moved...What would you do?" And he says, "I'd stand perfectly still."

"What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!"

"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?"

" Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???"

:) Hope you found them as amusing as i did.